The road to liberation: An abbreviated life story [kind of] and call to become who I am [more like it]

Last night, I spent some time looking through old yearbooks, upon hearing of the death of an old classmate's mom. The death was a tragic one, but that's not the focus of this post. You can read about it here.

After looking through my yearbooks, I can't describe what I felt -- it was maybe an awareness of me and how I've grown, and how much a part of my parents I am. I mean, they have helped determine who I am today, or maybe how I am today.

And I saw my imperfections at every stage.

In elementary school, I was open and free, but I was also annoying and selfish.

In middle school, I was learning to check the annoying and selfish behavior, which led to insecurity in who I was and what I had to offer to friendships.

In high school, I was still insecure, trying to mute myself so I could somewhat blend in, so that people like Rae [a friend from the "in" crowd] still liked me and didn't think I was "weird" or "nerdy."

[Rae and I. Notice I'm wearing the same sweater I was wearing three years earlier, in the previous pic. Ha!]

But, I didn't have the confidence to hang out with people of her social status too much, so I stayed with the friends I had always had, because we kept each other afloat.

I wanted to come across as pleasant and cool, but smart.

But, what about my passion?

What about my joy?

I didn't have those to as great a degree as I do now, but they were there nonetheless, muted by insecurity.

[I sure loved that jacket.]

And then God did something wonderful.

He freed me!

I don't even quite know how or when it happened -- over time, and largely during Master's Commission.

It was through a combination of worship, prayer, scripture, relationships with real people, a relationship with a real God, and prophetic words about the beauty God placed in me that I was able to shed the insecurity, let down my hair [literally!], and love God passionately!

[I'm second from the right in this pic.]

I still notice insecurity in me in certain situations, along with annoying and selfish behavior.

But, while before that characterized me, now it doesn't. Praise God!

And so this inevitably gets me to think about the here and now.

Who am I,

when I lash out in defense of an accusation or confrontation by my parents?

when I clam up and get nervous around Mr. P and his class?

when I see that my mom needs help making lunch but I justify not helping her because I have too much to do?

or when I am overwhelmed by an emotion, so I mask it with silly, annoying antics?

When I do these things, I am still who God made me, but I'm not walking in my identity.

It's a struggle between who I am and who I'm living as.

So, I've taken time away from homework [and sleep] to do this, but I think it was necessary.

I need to remember that God has freed me!

I need to remember who He is, and who I am.

Let's do this thing.